


Some things you let go in order to live

by Lizicia



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Hugs, Missing Scene, and we deserved more, friendship and then some amirite, post-3x13, reunions are the best, there needs to be more srsly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9875891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizicia/pseuds/Lizicia
Summary: 'Logically, Caitlin knows that Barry’s plan makes sense. At least more sense than Cisco’s actual ridiculous plan for her to actually kill him. They will definitely have to discuss that, back home.“Are you okay with this?”She’s never been more grateful for Harry’s presence, glancing at her with a mixture of apprehension and worry.'Missing scene from 3x13.





	

**Author's Note:**

> 'If you need more snowells because the show underdelivers, then you must write it yourself.' Old fanfiction proverb.
> 
> Or, Harry was back, and so many opportunities for snowells interaction were missed. Let's discuss.
> 
> Title from Florence + the Machine, "Various Storms and Saints".

Logically, Caitlin knows that Barry’s plan makes sense. At least more sense than Cisco’s actual ridiculous plan for her to actually kill him. They will definitely have to discuss _that_ , back home.

It still doesn’t mean that she wants to even try to freeze Barry without killing him.

She doesn’t even quite know if she can.

“Let me just…let me just think, okay.”

She sits down on the opposite side of the cage, closer to Harry and to his credit, Barry only nods and walks over to Cisco and Julian, trying to give her at least some semblance of privacy, considering that he did just ask her to pretend to kill him.

Harry, for his part, is less keen to leave her alone and sits next to her, wincing slightly as the hard bars come in contact with his back.

He doesn’t speak at first and they sit in companionable silence, comfortable as much as being stuck in a cage can be.

No matter how many times she lets her mind run over all of the possibilities, there are only worse choices than the one she’s being presented with, and that’s saying something.

“Are you okay with this?”

She’s never been more grateful for Harry’s presence, glancing at her with a mixture of apprehension and worry.

“Yes, of course. I only have to freeze one of my friends just enough to make a super gorilla think that he’s dead but not actually kill him. Sounds fine.”

He eyes her for long moment and she wonders what he sees, what he thinks, what he _knows_. Given his comment about the mirror, he must’ve suspected her even before he left which only serves to confuse her. He could’ve cornered her, could’ve pestered her about the mirror, could’ve told Barry that he had his suspicions.

And yet, he didn’t.

Harry’s eyes flicker down to her pendant, the snowflake glowing eerily in the dimness of the cells.

“What is it like?”

The question confuses her slightly. “The powers?”

He nods, the look in his eyes more curious than anything, and still gentle. “Yes. What does it feel like?”

Her memories of being the other her are hazy at best, like dreams she can never quite forget but some memories are sharper than others. She’s never wanted to share them with the others – not that they’ve explicitly asked – but she knows she can tell him. She doesn’t want to really think too hard about why that is.

“Cold, I guess. But it’s…it’s not the same as being outside and feeling cold. It’s the kind of cold that doesn’t really bite or hurt but the more I use the powers, the more it feels like just a part of me. Like it’s always been this cold, and it always will be. After a while, it just…is.”

“Like it’s just you.”

“Yeah.”

She takes a deep breath, remembering the last time she used her powers to save Iris, how absolutely easy it was to accept herself as Killer Frost.

“And it’s also so freeing. Whenever I become this…thing, I have to let go of everything else to channel my powers and suddenly, it’s like nothing can stop me. There’s no burden to bear, no troubles, no responsibilities, no grief. It’s just numbness.”

“So you’re afraid that you might actually like it.”

It’s her worst secret, and she thought it was also her best kept but it’s not like anyone else has dared to say it out loud, to wonder if she might actually like something about her powers.

And she knows she shouldn’t. They’re wrong and evil, and she just wants to be rid of them.

“I shouldn’t. My mother said that if I keep using my powers, after one time too many, the effect will be irreversible. And I’ll be her, completely.”

He’s quiet for a beat, long enough for Caitlin to turn her head towards him. She studies his profile for a moment, the face so familiar, and one she sees every day, but still a face she hasn’t seen in a long time. Harry and HR – and Eobard Thawne – might look like the same person but she’s come to know and recognize the exact differences between each of them.

“I looked her up, you know. The other Caitlin Snow, before she was Killer Frost.”

Her heart seems to skip a beat. She’s never quite accepted that Killer Frost used to be someone else before she was a metahuman, before she was evil. Mostly because she doesn’t want to read the parallel to her own life’s story, hasn’t wanted to know how a life just like hers was destroyed.

“Was she a scientist?”

He shakes his head and almost smirks. “No, quite the opposite. She was a criminal. Started off with smaller offences, larceny, conning people out of their money, and then moved into shadier things. The police had a long file on her. And on the way, she met an arsonist – Ronnie Raymond. When the explosion happened, they changed into metahumans, yes, but in essence, they didn’t.”

“What are you saying?”

Now, Harry looks at her with such conviction that she would believe every word which came out of his mouth.

“I’m saying that becoming Killer Frost isn’t what changed her; she was already corrupted. But you aren’t. You’re better. You can have control over your powers.”

She’s shaking her head before he’s even finished because she knows that he can’t be right. “No, I’ve tried. I’ve used my powers, and I’ve let them guide me, and I’ve felt the evil they bring. I almost killed Iris because I was losing control. There is no safe way here.”

“I don’t believe it. In essence, you’re good. Whatever you feel when you use your powers, it’s because you haven’t learned to master them. I know you’ve hurt a lot, and you’ve had much thrust upon you. You’ve lost too much for almost anyone to bear and in order to control what you’ve been given, you need to deal with that first.”

It’s almost implausible to think that Harry Wells is giving her a lecture on… _feelings_ but so it would seem. He’s earnest, she can tell, and his words, though a part of her wants to fight them, do strike a chord.

Because he might be right. Because no one has yet told her why she wouldn’t turn evil in a way that she would actually believe. But no one’s also known the difference between her and the Caitlin from this Earth.

It feels almost reckless but oh, how she wishes it to be true.

“I don’t want to push, Caitlin, but we really need to do something here.”

Barry’s patience has apparently run off, and he’s hanging by the bars dividing their cages. She can see the desperation in his eyes, mixed with a bit of fear; he has no desire to die from accidental frostbite either.

She nods, slowly. “Okay.”

As she gets up, Harry rises with her, and she turns to him once more. “I need you to help me get down from it. When I can’t…I need you to do that. And I know that it might be asking too much-“

“I’d be glad to.”

He doesn’t let her finish, doesn’t give her a chance to back out, doesn’t even try to remove himself from the process.

So she steps up to the bars and as Barry reaches out with his hand, she takes the necklace off and hands it to Harry. As soon as she does, she can feel the power awakening, can feel it running through her veins. There’s a roaring in her ears as she takes Barry’s hand and watches the bluish tinge appear on his skin, and senses the warmth of the speed force bowing down to her authority.

It’s exhilarating, and as Barry gasps for air, the familiar thoughts creep in. It would be so easy to press a bit harder, to suck all of the energy onto herself, to see the beauty of the ice crystals forming in his eyes, and the icy vacancy it would leave behind.

“Snow.”

There’s a voice somewhere far away, reminding her of something she can’t quite remember, doesn’t want to remember.

Barry’s going colder and she knows that if she holds on just a bit longer, he will be gone forever. _And maybe that’s for the best_ , her mind whispers.

“Caitlin.” There’s a hand on her shoulder and she knows she has to fight because it’s better than to kill someone – _no, death is the sweetest_ – and she doesn’t see the beauty in the ice crystals anymore, just destruction – _what’s wrong with a bit of chaos?_ – and she remembers her name, and lets go.

Barry falls down and he’s as blue as he can be, cold-shocked but not completely gone. She turns around, and sees the snowflake pendant in Harry’s hand.

Killer Frost is not quite gone yet, she can feel the lure of the cold, and the warm-blooded human in front of her would make for excellent prey.

“You’re better than this, Caitlin.”

She pushes down on the cold, on the numb, until she wants to take the pendant and not merely to distract Harry and freeze him. She wants to be in control, and as she maintains eye contact with Harry, she starts believing it too.

“I need a bit help here.”

He spurs into action instantly and she lets him put the pendant over her head. Once it touches her chest, all the ice melts away and she can breathe again, and focus on what a reckless thing he did by touching her when she was Killer Frost.

“That was an incredibly dangerous thing to do. I could have frozen you too!”

He merely shrugs his shoulders a bit at that, not looking the least bit concerned. “Well, but you didn’t. I knew you were too good.”

It was still stupid and dangerous but Caitlin still finds herself smiling at his nonchalance and he, in turn, smiles back.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

And despite what else happens, she somehow knows that he means it. That he believes in her. That he’ll help her if he can.

Before she fully contemplates her course of action, she hugs him, just as tight and close as he did when he left their Earth the first time. And he’s right there with her, arms coming around to close behind her back. There’s an inexplicable closeness here, one that she’s tried to forget because it was easier but she lets it fall over her now.

“You’re alright, Caitlin.”

He whispers into her ear, and she believes him.

 

 


End file.
